I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize