Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
