I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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