He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
