I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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