OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
ttyl tear gas
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
