I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
