Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
