Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
