Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
