We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
