I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's blow job season.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
