Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
