That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
