I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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