An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
