You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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