11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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