I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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