i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
