I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize