$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
