So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
