sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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