Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
