I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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