gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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