i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
