Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
