I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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