he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
