Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
