My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This is my gift to your gina
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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