morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
