If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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