I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
