you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
