She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
FUCK WHALES
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
