god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize