I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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