The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
