I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dignity is for republicans.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
