Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
God gave him joint rollers for hands
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
