the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
