I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
