I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
