carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
thus making me awesome and them whores
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
