i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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