i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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