Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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