Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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