Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
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