i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
