we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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