i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
