i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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