its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
