I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
