This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
