I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
