he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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