Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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